INVITE-ONLY BETA

Hire a Solo Nerd
to un-curse your code

We rescue AI-generated spaghetti, refactor the chaos, and ship clean commits—fast. No agencies. No meetings about meetings. Just battle-tested nerds.

~/your-cursed-project
🎖️

"The language is the paint. The fundamentals are the brush." 24 years Navy. R&D. Systems that had to work. I'm a nerd—but more importantly, I'm a debugger.

— ZeroBandwidth, FounderRead the full brief →

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SYSTEM DIAGNOSTIC

Repo Curse Analysis

Our scanners detect common symptoms of vibe-coded chaos

DETECTED

0 tests. vibes only.
temporaryFixFinal2.ts
auth route written at 3am
// TODO: fix this later

IMPACT

Demo RiskCRITICAL
Deploy ConfidenceLOW
Tech DebtHIGH
Curse SeverityEXTREME

PRESCRIPTION

P0Refactor auth flow
P1Add test harness
P0Ship hotfix
P2Purge tech debt

Sound familiar? Let a Solo Nerd run the real diagnostics.

THE INNER CIRCLE

Meet Our Elite Nerds

Hand-picked developers who've proven they can ship. Each one vetted, battle-tested, and ready to rescue your codebase.

Vetted

Battle-tested

Proof of shipping

* SoloNerds is invite-only. We keep our circle small to ensure quality.

CLASSIFIED DOSSIERS

Services for Cursed Code

From quick fixes to full rescues. Whatever mess you're in, we've probably seen worse—and fixed it.

[ CLICK ANY CARD TO REVEAL CLASSIFIED INTEL ]

MOST POPULAR

Vibe Code Cleanup

Transform AI-generated chaos into clean, maintainable code that humans can actually read.

  • Code refactoring
  • Architecture fixes
  • Best practices
TAP FOR INTEL
CLASSIFIED INTEL

OPERATION: SPAGHETTI UNTANGLE

Client shipped an app with 847 useState hooks in a single component. The AI was 'just being helpful.' We found a useEffect that triggered itself infinitely.

useEffect(() => { setState(!state) }, [state])
DAMAGE: 12 senior devs quit
SELF-DESTRUCT IN
—s

Code Audits

Comprehensive review of your codebase. Security holes, performance issues, tech debt—exposed.

  • Security review
  • Performance analysis
  • Tech debt report
TAP FOR INTEL
CLASSIFIED INTEL

OPERATION: PANDORA'S BOX

Found API keys hardcoded in 23 different files. The .env.example had the REAL production keys. Database password was 'password123'. In production. For 2 years.

const API_KEY = 'sk-live-abc123...'
DAMAGE: 3 data breaches avoided
SELF-DESTRUCT IN
—s

Testing & QA

Your vibe-coded app works 'most of the time'? We add tests so it works all the time.

  • Unit tests
  • Integration tests
  • E2E coverage
TAP FOR INTEL
CLASSIFIED INTEL

OPERATION: WORKS ON MY MACHINE

Entire test suite was: `test('app works', () => expect(true).toBe(true))`. 100% coverage badge proudly displayed. App crashed when user entered their name.

expect(true).toBe(true) // ✓ passes
DAMAGE: 0% actual coverage
SELF-DESTRUCT IN
—s

DevOps & Deploy

From localhost to production. CI/CD, infrastructure, and zero-downtime deployments.

  • CI/CD setup
  • Cloud infra
  • Monitoring
TAP FOR INTEL
CLASSIFIED INTEL

OPERATION: LOCALHOST ESCAPE

Deploy script was a 400-line bash file named 'deploy_FINAL_v3_USE_THIS_ONE.sh'. No one knew what it did. It worked once in 2019. Also, they were pushing directly to main.

git push origin main --force # YOLO
DAMAGE: 17 rollbacks this month
SELF-DESTRUCT IN
—s

Performance Fixes

Slow builds? Laggy UI? Memory leaks? We make your app run smooth and fast.

  • Bundle optimization
  • Query tuning
  • Caching
TAP FOR INTEL
CLASSIFIED INTEL

OPERATION: MOLASSES EXTRACTION

Homepage loaded 847 npm packages. Bundle size: 47MB. The loading spinner had its own loading spinner. Found a map() inside a map() inside a map() inside a useEffect.

items.map(i => items.map(j => items.map(k => ...)))
DAMAGE: 4.7s initial load time
SELF-DESTRUCT IN
—s

Emergency Rescue

Production down. Demo tomorrow. We've seen it all. Emergency fixes when you need them most.

  • 24h response
  • Hotfix deployment
  • Crisis management
TAP FOR INTEL
CLASSIFIED INTEL

OPERATION: 3AM PANIC

Demo to investors in 6 hours. App shows 'undefined' for every user's name. Login 'works' but sends everyone to the admin dashboard. The fix? A missing question mark.

user.name → user?.name
DAMAGE: $2M funding round saved
SELF-DESTRUCT IN
—s
MISSION PROTOCOL

How It Works

No 47-step onboarding. No endless meetings. Just a straightforward path from broken code to shipped product.

STEP 01

Describe Your Mess

Tell us about your cursed repo. The vibe-coded MVP that 'works kinda'. The AI-generated spaghetti. The tech debt that haunts you.

~/describe-mess
$solonerds describe --problem
→Detected: Next.js 14 + Prisma + "vibes"
!Warning: 0 tests found
✓✓ Problem logged. Awaiting rescue squad.
STEP 02

Get Matched

We connect you with the right Solo Nerd for your specific disaster. No algorithms—just humans who understand your stack and pain points.

~/matching
$solonerds match --stack=nextjs --urgency=high
→Scanning inner circle...
→Evaluating: @vibewhisperer, @debugdemon
✓✓ Match found: @vibewhisperer (available)
STEP 03

Ship Fixed Code

Your nerd gets to work. Clean commits, clear communication, and code that actually works. No black boxes, no surprises.

~/deployment
$git push origin main
→Running CI/CD pipeline...
→All 47 tests passing
✓✓ Deployed to production. Curse lifted.
INVITE-ONLY ACCESS

Ready to un-curse your code?

Join our waitlist for priority access. We review every request personally—this isn't Fiverr, it's a curated experience.

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Fixed scope before we start

No scope creep, no surprises

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Clear pricing, always

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